The time has come for us to set straight certain wild-eyed individuals who have publicly accused Hackpoets of harboring chauvinist pigs, sexist dogs, female-exploiting jackals and other unfashionable quadrupeds in its editorial kennels. Nothing could be further from the truth. However, to ease the fears of the 27% of our readership who happen to be Female (68% Male, 5% Undecided), we hereby openly admit that certain female staff members at Hackpoets have grown restless of late (under the angry urgings of a certain Managing Editor Husband, no doubt).
The editors were recently presented with a list of demands by these shrill individuals which included the following outrageous ultimatums: 1) all female staff members’ salaries are to be paid in real money or its equivalent in hypoallergenic produce, 2) a permanent stop of corporal punishment for lateness or general editorial anger, and 3) exemption from Hackpoets Weekly Purification and Fertility Ritual.
Needless to say, these preposterous prattles of a too-long-pampered platoon of pusillanimous panhandlers were rejected out of hand. Nevertheless, our crack team of negotiators responded immediately with what we feel was a reasonable, perhaps even over-generous counterproposal that included 1) free dimes and quarters for the executive restroom, 2) free tennis shoes and uniforms for the mandatory morning wake-up jog around the Editor’s desk, and 3) free medical consultation following any injury resulting from the Weekly Purification and Fertility Ritual.
We are unhappy to report that these magnanimous counter-offers were unceremoniously laughed at by our strikers, not all of whom, we must add, have been a credit to their sex. However, after long sessions with strike representatives and days of haggling, whining, and the stamping of stiletto heels, an equitable compromise was finally hammered out, and we are pleased, Cristina, that we have arrived at a happy solution.